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07/09/07 - Unfortunately I've had quite a boring week, this week. Didn't go to Palmers Green at the weekend, we're getting a new kitchen fitted, so parts of the house are off limits, and all I've done at work is put stickers on envelopes. But despite having so little to do, I'm as stressed as hell. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the next few years of my life. I do have some ideas of courses to do, I just don't know what order to do them in. There's a computing course my parents want me to do, TEFL, a formal Tamil language course, and Bible College, which a few Pastors have recommended to me.

The whole thing's just getting to me, and making me depressed again. I just watched the last hour of a Tamil movie called 'Kannathil Muthamittaal', about an adopted girl finding her roots and her mother in Sri Lanka. It's nice seeing the imagery of Southern Asia in these movies, but it just makes me long to be there even more. I just hope God guides me along the right route, and that everything turns out positively and the way I want it to. I just hope the path becomes clear soon, just so I can stop worrying about it...

14/09/07 - At last, I finally have a plan of what to do with myself for the next several months! After a long chat with the parents, I've now applied to do a TEFL (or CELTA) course with the British Council in Malaysia. The course is supposed to start in January, so I'll probably be spending Christmas again in Asia, and will be missing my third straight British winter, what a shame. The course is January is also part time, so I'll have more time to do homework and things will be easier to manage, and it will also increase my stay time in Asia. As for this computing course, I haven't even heard back from the college about it. I got a letter acknowledging they received an application from me, but nothing since then...

Had another nice day at Palmers Green, Sippa (the two year old that gave me a nose bleed a couple of weeks ago) has gotten really attached to me. I hope she doesn't miss me too much if I go away in December. Work has been boring again this week, spending most my time putting stickers on envelopes again, but things should be back to normal next week. Will be sorting out my TEFL application tomorrow, then Palmers Green on Sunday, so another active weekend atleast...

21/09/07 - Had another uneventful week, just waiting for the time to pass by. Went to Palmers Green on the weekend, but unfortunately the day didn't cheer me up much. I keep feeling paranoid that I'm not wanted there, and I feel like I'm in a vulnerable position. But I just put too much value and dependency on one place, I wouldn't know where to go in the UK if there wasn't Palmers Green. It's all I have for happiness, and I feel my desperation to hold onto that happiness is possibly unsettling others.

I won't be going there this weekend, which will make the next week feel even worse, but hopefully there's no problem and it's just my stupid paranoia that's making me feel this way. Not much else has happened, still haven't finished my application for my teaching course in Malaysia yet. For something I want so much I should have finished within a few hours of printing it off, but I just have so little motivation at the moment. Hopefully that motivation will return once I'm where I am happiest...

28/09/07 - Despite what I thought last week, I had quite a good weekend this past week. I was invited to an International Fellowship Church in Ashford on Sunday by Alan, from work. It was a very interesting church and service, and the Pastor (Clement Lee) that was preaching was a Chinese-Malaysian from Perak. It's nice visiting churches with a good ethnic mix, though most of the members there are from Africa.

Then later that evening I was invited by another work colleague, Anthony, to a family birthday party of his son, Ashton, and his niece, Shanukaa, who both turned one. It's really great that I finally know some Tamil families in Ashford now, so I'll get to see them now when I don't get to go to Palmers Green. I seemed to get on well with everything, especially the kids (of course). There's also a family with three girls (all primary school age) who live in the same estate as me, and whom are really talented dancers.

It did seem a bit strange though, how I seemed more comfortable fitting in with new Tamil faces than it did visiting a new church for the first time. It feels like I have this split personality (or alter ego), where at times I'm this quiet, mature, reserved Englishman, but with Tamil's I act like a young, Tamil boy, where I'm not quite matured to adult Tamil standards, and seem more comfortable around kids, and am less shy to speak Tamil to them. Hopefully this Tamil boy inside of me will mature culturally and verbally eventually.

The weather in the UK has now turned cold, which means I need to go for my winter get-away soon (which tends to involve the whole winter), though I still have to send this application off! I got my haircut too this past week, as it was starting to get into ringlets again (that's the sign that it's too long), but it was only a trim, so my hair is still longish. Plan to see my new, local Tamil friends tomorrow, then back to Palmers Green on Sunday, so should be a fun weekend...